he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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