I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
