You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Randomize
