Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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