Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
