Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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