I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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