Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
