The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
