I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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