sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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