and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize