M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
