I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
