you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
His nipple licking is glorious
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