just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
please come you make the beer taste better
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
