I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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