I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
