No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize