I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
