When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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