Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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