I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
