I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
