Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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