can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
