I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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