i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize