if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
