ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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