T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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