I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
