she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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