There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
