Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
