using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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