i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
