To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
