Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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