i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
