Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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