Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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