Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
