alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Your penis caused this!
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