i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
