:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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