I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
