i wish there were pregnant emoticons
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
