I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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