he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
