It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
