My liver just broke up with me...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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