My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
