I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
