I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
