My hand turned me down
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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