I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
as a side note pls kill me
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
