You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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