We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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