my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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