He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just want to make out with him forever
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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