Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I am midnight drunk by noon
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
